I want to have your abortion
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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