I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
