Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
