I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
