i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
