Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
