mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
