I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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