Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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