I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
