So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
