dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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