Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
