proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My dick has a subreddit
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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