I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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