Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
