I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
