Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
