Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
