I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
there is puke in my bra ... again
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