i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
