I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
