When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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