It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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