the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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