Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
