i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
