I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
