Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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