Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
