I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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