we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
its not stalking. its research.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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