We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
