My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
