I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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