I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
