i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
