I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
This house was built for laser tag.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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