he puts the penis in happiness.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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