It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
