I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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