did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
