Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
