youre lurking in front of me
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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