I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
