woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
