Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
