No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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