Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
