Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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