I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
