I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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